lonliness sucks

did i mention that i don't enjoy being lonely? cause i don't.

pfffffffffffffffffffffffffft. i could totally sit here and whine about how being single sucks. but i'm better than that. my singleness, whatever the reason, is for a reason.

so instead, i'm gonna sit here and be happy. and look at this for the positive.

it's all gonna be okay :]

awkward much?

I'm pretty convinced that last night was the most awkward double date of my life.
Okay, so I haven't exactly been on any other double dates, or any date for that matter, but still, it was really awkward!
The whole Scott thing got brought up AGAIN. I really was quite past it, but of course, Juan being Juan, did everything in his power to make it work. I got to Meg's house, where she, Juan and Scott already were. I really, really, really had no desire to go to dinner. I was so past the situation that I didn't even want to be there.
We get in the car, boys in front, girls in the back. The GPS gets us lost, but it was an adventure nonetheless. We left Meg's around 8ish, and got to the restaraunt at about 9:20. Dinner was at the Rustler's Rooste, out by Arizona Mills Mall. It was a really pretty place; authentic steakhouse with an awesome view of the city. Dinner was expensive, but being the gentleman, he paid for our half.
Now things get awkward...
After dinner, we drive to Tempe Town Lake's Beach Park. I absolutely love Meg and Juan with my entire heart. However, Juan can't keep his hands off of Meg for a second! So being that Scott and I aren't dating, I had no desire to touch him. We walk, and Scott holds my hand for a little while. Only, his arms are shorter than mine, so that didn't help with the already awkward situation. I finally just let go and put my hands in my back pockets. Obvious, I know, but what else was I supposed to do?! At this point, all I want to do is get back in the car and go home. I was irritated (for not wanting to be there at all), and tired, and really just wanting to end the night.
As we're exiting the 101 on Union Hills, Juan and Scott decide that they want to get ice cream. We go to Wal-Mart, much against my own protest. I'm beyond cranky at this point. So we go into Wal-Mart, pick out some ice cream, and get outta there. The second Scott's car is in park in front of Meg's house, I get out, hug Juan goodbye, and then say, "Bye everyone!!". And OF COURSE, Juan has to make it awkward one more time by saying, "Michelle, aren't you going to say goodnight to Scott?". I turn around as I'm walking, not really looking at anyone in particular, and say, "Good night Scott, good night, Meg,". I get in my car and drive away.

After the fact...
I feel like a horrible, horrible, person for not really giving him a "technical goodbye". But can I really be blamed? I told him that I didn't want to speak to him, and last night was so awkward. I'm just glad it's over and can only hope that Meg and Juan still love me.

peace and love.

Dear Self,

Hello there,
It's alright. He wasn't meant to be. First impressions are everything. And yeah, the third night counts as an impression. So who cares? You learned something. Not every relationship is gonna work, and that's okay. You gained life experience tonight too. Kudos for refusing the alcohol, and the drugs too. I'm happy that Juan came up with somewhere else to go. And look! You had an awesome time at CPK. I know you're not sad. And that's so okay! Heck, I wouldn't be sad either. Cause you didn't lose anything. At all. Tonight was interesting. And it's okay.

xoxo,
Your True Self

darkness

It all started with a game of Sardines (which is basically reverse hide-n-seek)...I was the next one to hide, but the boy wanted to hide too. So, we hid together. In the pantry. Mind you, all of the lights in the house are off, and everyone else is outside on the porch waiting for us to be hidden. Here we are, sitting on the floor of the, in total darkness.
He asks, "Is your heart pounding?"

I respond, "Yeah!", and tell him to hold up his hand, which I take, and place on my corottid artery (the vein in your neck) so that he could feel my heartbeat, which by this point is pounding. Out of not liking the dark and the anticipation of being found, among other things.
He says, "Holy cow, yeah, me too."

I don't like the dark. So what does he do? He takes my left hand, and holds it tight for the rest of that"hide out" and doesn't let go.